Why I can stand

     Angela Berryman-Simpson Abuse comes in many forms and experiences. For me, abuse took the form of medical interventions. As I reflect upon those times in my life; the many surgeries I have gone through, the preparations for each surgery, and the recovery part of each surgery has been an abuse to my body but also abuse to my emotions. The scars I have will always be a reminder of my experience particularly, how hard surgery has been; the pain of recovery. Surgery is hard. I’ve often heard people say “this is not a major surgery”. Which is interesting to me as every surgery is major. Anytime one goes under anesthesia, which in of itself is dangerous, there’s always the chance one may not come out of it. I had moments when I thought, “will I come out of this one, will I wake up?” I admit at times I didn’t know if I would. I was afraid. When you say that to Christians/the Church, then you hear, “you don’t trust God.” I trust God. I’ve had 30 surgeries. But people forget I’m human. I’ve had moments. So, yes, I trust God. I’ve had 30 surgeries…in it was only God. I have a plate in my neck; I have titanium screws and wires in my back; metal in my knee; nerve damage which results in pain everyday. The doctors had to rebuild my back as there was so much damage, but bless God. I’m still here. Thirty five to forty two staples in my back and front; on the table in the operating room 8-9 hours at a time. But God! I’m so glad he knows our heart even in the moments of fear, pain, whatever it is at that time. All I can say is “But God” through it all I’ve had a “But God” in my spirit. There were times when l had gotten so low. l was tired, the pain was great, but it went beyond the physical. l was angry, l was tired, l felt like l had to justify why l was feeling the way l felt. l was criticized by some of my family; your always having surgeries, you must like being cut. Some friends and family members didn't want to be bothered with me and still don't. l had the church telling me l had no faith; you trust to much in man. It pissed me the hell off! l was hurting, l was angry, l felt the very ones l should’ve been able to go to were the very ones that was kicking me! l was so mad at all of them! Who gave you the right to judge me? l really had to work through that because l didn't like them; hate started creeping in. I’m so grateful for my husband, my man, my friend. He never left my side. He loved me through some dark times. l remember l had my moment when l asked God why me? With tears in my eyes. So much pain! l'm so tired! And God said, “why not you”? He said, “didn't you know when you was at your lowest point that was your finest hour? l never left you even when you had doubt, fear, pain, anger. When you wanted to give up, my grace stepped in.” God showed me to let all that stuff go, because if I hadn’t, it would have kept me in bondage. Trust the process. Your faith will be renewed. Healing will come, joy will come, trust the process. l stand on that today.